she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
