Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Green mimosas i think yes
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
