Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
