Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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