I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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