I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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