i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
