that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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