being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
