i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
