If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i believe in u and ur pee
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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