WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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