She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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