Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
