Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize