omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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