I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Come see our sink grown plant.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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