Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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