Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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