The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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