These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize