so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
