She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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