How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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