She went from zero to smokin in five shots
there's paper in my vomit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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