i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
