The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
