i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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