she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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