things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
