if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
