i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize