her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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