Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
