Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize