I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
