if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Redeem this text for a blowjob
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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