so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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