Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
