I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In America we eat man semen.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
