i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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