I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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