so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
