my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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