My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
