i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
