why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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