He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
