i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
