tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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