next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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