why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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