i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
