Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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