I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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