I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
