I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
