This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
