Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
