Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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