I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
