Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
